Is It Time to Let Go?
Dear Annie: I've been in a 14-year relationship with a man who never proposed. Early on, it didn't bother me much; we were both divorced with kids, and I'd just ended a 13-year marriage. But over time, his vague promises of "someday" have worn thin. He's lived with me for 11 years, helps with some handiwork around the house and contributes to bills, but not consistently. He's been in and out of jobs, and much of the financial burden, including vacations for both our families, has fallen on me.
He owns a house where his ex-wife and her husband live, and while he says legal issues prevent him from selling, there's been little effort to resolve it. On weekends, instead of spending time together, he prioritizes helping friends and relatives, often for free. When I express frustration, he dismisses my feelings, even turning the blame on me. For example, on my birthday (which fell on his golf night), he went golfing instead, and one of his friends joked about him needing "permission."
I've stood by him through challenges, including his prostate cancer treatment, and I feel guilty for even considering leaving. But I'm tired of feeling lonely, abandoned and unimportant. I go out with friends, but I long for a partner who genuinely prioritizes me and enjoys spending time together. Instead, I'm left fighting for scraps of his time and effort while watching him pour his energy into others who rarely return the favor.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting more after all these years? -- Feeling Lonely and Tired
Dear Lonely and Tired: First, ask yourself this: If he spent less time golfing with his friends and more time with you, would that truly make you feel less alone? Or is the issue deeper -- perhaps about feeling valued and prioritized in the relationship?
It sounds like you're burning the candle at both ends. You're carrying a heavy load, taking care of him, his kids and your own, while he spends his time enjoying activities with friends. Of course you're not wrong for wanting more; it's perfectly reasonable to crave a partner who invests as much effort into the relationship as you do.
The bigger question is whether he's capable of giving you more. Every person has their limitations, and perhaps his are too great for you to find happiness with him as things stand. Regardless, it's important to keep communicating your feelings. Consider asking him to join you in seeing a marriage counselor.
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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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