ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I work at a school as a teacher and have struggled over the years with how cliquey the other teachers have been. Shortly after I started there, the pandemic happened, and many people friended each other on Facebook. Because that was the only source for a sense of community as we went through those first few dark months, I accepted many of the friend requests, and that felt good. However, a couple of years later I couldn't help but notice how people commented on each other's posts and tagged each other like they were friends in real life but never with me.

I had gone through cancer during the pandemic, which few people know about, and I missed out on many of the social events that solidified those friendships. So I had some understanding, but I figured after a while I would be invited in. That never happened, and I felt excluded by the number of posts that would show up in my feed between co-workers. I made the decision after a couple of years to unfriend/block many people on Facebook from my work so I didn't have to see that and feel bad.

When staff functions or happy hours are advertised, I go and socialize and ask questions of others and show that I am interested in what they have to say and in them as people. However, people generally do not seem interested in me in any way, and I often leave feeling dissed. Over the years, I have invited people who I have gotten to know from work over for dinner at my home with my husband (and even to our wedding), and although the couples gladly accepted our invitations and we had a pleasant and fun time, a return invitation has never occurred.

This week I found out that there was a celebration for one of the teacher's birthdays last weekend, and many other teachers were invited, but I was not. I sit near this teacher at lunch at the break table most days and converse pleasantly with him and listen to his stories, so it stung a bit that I wasn't invited. The office staff is no better. They don't smile or say hello to me except for one of the women. I am beginning to think I am some sort of pariah at my work, and I don't know why. I have made friends through other avenues, hobbies and organizations, and have other long-lasting friendships and have a happy and healthy home life, but it is troubling that my workplace feels so cold and exclusive.

I am considering looking for a job elsewhere, but I like the school, the leadership and the students, so I would like to stay. But deep down, I am also wondering if I am the problem and have some sort of off-putting characteristic or some reputation that drives would-be-work-friends away. I have started therapy for other reasons but plan to discuss this as well and am wondering what advice you have for how I might go about understanding how to perceive this feedback at work. -- Not Welcome in Washington

Dear Not Welcome: It's completely understandable that you feel hurt by the way your co-workers have treated you. My guess is that this may have more to do with the fact that you're new and joined during a challenging time, making it harder to integrate yourself. Building relationships takes time, and it's natural for people to need a while to get to know one another.

If you love the school, the leadership and the students, that's a great reason to stay. Faculty dynamics can change, and you may meet new colleagues or form connections with the existing ones over time.

Remember, we can't control other people's actions -- only how we react to them. Sometimes, what feels like rejection is actually redirection. Perhaps you weren't meant to be part of that group or party, and that's OK.

Congratulations on taking the step to go to therapy and staying curious about yourself! By continuing this journey of self-growth, you'll likely find that meaningful friendships will naturally come into your life. Try not to get too fixated on how those friendships should look or where they need to come from. You don't have to be friends with your coworkers; you can build connections outside of work.

For now, focus on what you enjoy about your job: the students, the leadership and the school itself. Those are excellent reasons to stay and thrive in your role.

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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.