Donald Trump’s presidency has all the stability of a flaming garbage truck careening down a mountain. Yet, somehow, he’s still behind the wheel, grinning like a maniac, while Democrats argue over the best way to file a noise complaint.

His administration is a demolition derby in a fine china shop — tariffs, diplomatic blunders and economic upheaval. And yet, if the election were today, he’d probably win again.

How is this happening? Divine retribution? A rip in the space-time continuum? Some elaborate karmic joke? No — it’s because, amazingly, Democrats have mastered the art of being simultaneously too cautious and too out of touch.

That’s not to say they aren’t trying. When they’re not wasting time arguing over decorum or recording cringey “choose your fighter” videos, Democrats are busy scrambling to find a strategy to regain power. As far as I can tell, they have four (not mutually exclusive) theories.

Theory No. 1: Cross your fingers and wait for Trump to self-destruct

This is the laziest and most beloved strategy — waiting for Trump to spontaneously combust like a Spinal Tap drummer. The logic: Trump is objectively bad at his job. He alienates allies, tanks the economy and treats foreign diplomacy like a game of “Call of Duty.” Surely, at some point, voters will come to their senses, right?

Yeah, about that. First, Trump is a world-class blame-shifter. He could drive the country into a volcano, and his base would still be cheering from the lava’s edge and faulting whoever Trump blasted most recently.

Second, people don’t vote based on governance — they vote based on vibes. Trump’s vibe is chaos, but it’s charismatic chaos. His base doesn’t care if he burns down the country as long as he looks cool doing it. Meanwhile, the Democratic pitch of “we’re not as deranged as he is” is less an inspiring message and more a desperate plea from a hostage negotiator.

Voters want a story, a movement, a reason to care. Democrats keep handing them a pamphlet on fiscal responsibility.

Theory No. 2: Work hard

The second theory is refreshingly logical but also unbearably dull: What if Democrats tried really hard? You know: TV ads, field offices, door-knocking — a real ground game.

This strategy is self-soothing (it’s nice to think that blocking and tackling pays off), but it also has a tragic flaw: It works better in the midterms, when turnout is low. If ground games won presidential elections, Kamala Harris would have mopped the floor with Trump. She did not, because modern swing voters aren’t swayed by slickly produced ads and heartfelt town halls. This is the TikTok era, baby.

Trump’s rallies are like tent revivals, blending conspiracy theories with stand-up comedy. Meanwhile, Democrats are still campaigning like it’s 1992, pointing to bar graphs, issuing carefully calibrated statements and convening listening sessions about prescription drug costs.

Politics has become full-blown entertainment. The Democrats are still hosting a book club.

Theory No. 3: Stop being culturally out of touch

Here’s the brutal truth Democrats don’t want to hear: They really have to stop being culturally insufferable.

This doesn’t mean abandoning liberal values or acting like a bunch of jerks. It means dropping the graduate seminar tone. The average voter does not want to “decolonize Thanksgiving.” They do not care about pronouns. They do not believe that every microaggression is an act of “violence.” But every time some 21-year-old activist blocks a highway or waves a Hamas flag at a protest, Democrats scramble to defend them. Why? Because they’re terrified of alienating their own base.

This is why they keep getting clobbered in Middle America. If they want to win, they need to talk like normal human beings again. Right now, your average Democrat sounds like an NPR panel discussion moderated by a yoga instructor with a Whole Foods tote bag.

Theory No. 4: Pray you can find a rock star

And now for the nuclear option: Democrats need a main character. Not a competent administrator. A star.

Politics is now show business, and Trump understands this. He’s not a candidate — he’s a spectacle. His policies are often incoherent, but his performance is gripping. Attention is currency. Trump gets it. Democrats don’t.

So what do Democrats do? They either need a celebrity (someone like The Rock, Mark Cuban or Stephen A. Smith) or a political figure who doesn’t feel like a normal politician. John Fetterman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders — these people have heat. But if the party nominates another hyper-competent bureaucrat who campaigns like they’re applying for tenure at Oberlin, the ticket is finished.

So what will it take?

Probably a combination of all four theories. Trump needs to stumble; Democrats need to actually do the work, stop alienating everyone outside a liberal arts campus and find a candidate who excites people.

Otherwise, 2028 will roll around, and we’ll all be watching Donald Trump Jr., Candace Owens or Tucker Carlson get sworn in. And Democrats will be standing there slack-jawed, whispering, “I can’t believe we’re losing to these guys again.”

And the rest of us? We’ll be nursing one last cocktail of regret, knowing the warning signs were flashing bright red all along.

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Matt K. Lewis is the author of “Filthy Rich Politicians” and “Too Dumb to Fail.”

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