Dear Anna,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost 10 months now. I frequently buy her jewelry and sometimes clothing, but she never wears them when we're together. Sometimes I'll ask for photos of her wearing the pieces to see how they look, and she will send one, but I never see them in person. Is this a me problem? Why doesn't she ever wear them? Does she not like them? I haven't brought this up because I worry it might come across as controlling, like I'm dictating what she should wear. But I'm genuinely confused and a little hurt. — Puzzled Gift-Giver

Dear PGG,

I get why this stings. When we give someone a gift — especially something personal like jewelry or clothing — we want to see them enjoy it. It’s natural to wonder why she never wears them around you.

But gifts are tricky: Even when they come from the heart, they don’t always align with the recipient’s style, comfort or daily habits. There could be a simple reason she doesn’t wear them often, and it’s not necessarily about you.

But the only one who can help you figure this out is your girlfriend.

TL;DR: You’ll have to talk to her about it.

But, since we’re here, some theories. She might not like the jewelry you picked out. Or she might like it fine, but is saving it for a special occasion. She might not be a big jewelry person in general. She might prefer you pick out pieces together. She might feel uncomfortable that you’re "checking" whether she’s using her presents. (If so, then stop.)

Instead of endlessly speculating, however, here’s your chance to take the bull by the septum piercing. It’s not controlling to ask about her preferences. What would be controlling is if you demanded she wear things you buy her or if you threw a tantrum when she didn’t. Have a gentle, non-accusatory conversation about gift preferences. You might say something like: "I've noticed that the jewelry I’ve given you doesn’t make it into your regular rotation. No pressure or anything, but would you prefer choosing things together, or maybe there are other gifts you'd enjoy more?"

This approach shifts the focus from what feels like rejection to what would make her happiest. Which is your actual goal, I presume. It also opens the door for her to share if something else is going on — perhaps the style doesn't quite match her everyday preferences, or maybe she feels pressure when you ask for photos.

While you’re at it, take a moment to reflect on what's really underneath your concern. Is it about the gifts themselves, or something deeper? Perhaps you see gift-giving as an expression of your care, and her not wearing them feels like a rejection of that effort. Or maybe you're questioning whether you truly understand her tastes and preferences. Sometimes our anxieties about seemingly small things connect to deeper needs for appreciation and validation in relationships. Understanding your own feelings will help you approach the conversation with clarity. Whatever insecurities or questions are driving your concern, they're worth acknowledging — both to yourself and possibly with your girlfriend.

Remember that gift-giving should ultimately bring joy to both of you, not become a source of tension or strife. Your thoughtfulness is clear, and with open communication, you'll find a gift approach that works for you both.

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