Dear Anna,

I’m a 21-year-old woman, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We’re really happy together, but there’s one huge problem: His family does not like me. I’ve tried everything to make a good impression — bringing thoughtful gifts, offering to help with family dinners and always being polite. But no matter what I do, I feel like an outsider. His mom will make passive-aggressive comments about my English major (“How are you gonna get a real job?”) or compare me to his ex (“Oh, she always used to help us decorate for the holidays!”). His sister once flat-out ignored me at a family BBQ, despite my attempts to engage with her.

It’s starting to take a toll on me emotionally, and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to know what to do. He loves his family, but he also loves me, and I can tell he feels stuck in the middle. I’m trying to be the bigger person, but it’s hard not to take it personally when it feels like I’ll never be good enough for them. How should I handle this? Do I confront his family? Talk to my boyfriend about it more? Or just suck it up for the sake of the relationship? I need some serious advice here. — Fed Up Navigating Negative Ever-Rejecting Relatives

Dear FUNNERR,

Let me start by saying: navigating the disapproving family of a partner is one of the loneliest corners of love. To give a salient example from my own life: Once, my partner’s mother compared me/our relationship to stepping into a pile of s—.

And then I had to just, like, go to Olive Garden with her and pretend everything’s fine!

It’s an unsettling and exhausting place to be, and I want to acknowledge how tough that must feel for you.

First things first — don’t let their disapproval chip away at who you are or how you see yourself. Their opinions are not a reflection of your worth, and no one has the right to make you feel like you don’t belong, especially when you’re in a relationship built on love and respect. You’re not auditioning for their approval. Your partner chose you, and that matters more than any side commentary about your job or how festive someone else used to be.

That said, “give fewer f—s” is much easier said than done.

So how do we deal with the passive-aggressive digs and chilly silences? In the short term, you have to decide what’s worth your energy. As a former creative writing major — or anyone in the arts or humanities could attest — those comments about your career prospects probably aren’t going to go away. (Even though, we do fine, with an average median salary of $64,000 a year, which is 56% higher than those without a degree.) A shrug and a “We’ll see!” can be a low-stakes deflector — unless you really want to get into it with Aunt Debbie.

Some comments might be so absurd that the best response is no response. Silence can be your power move. But, when it crosses a line and it starts to eat at you, that’s when you need to establish boundaries.

Here’s an example of how to hold your ground without escalating the situation: the next time his mom throws a backhanded comment your way, you might say, “I understand that you’re concerned about [insert topic they criticize], but I’ve worked really hard to get where I am, and it’s something I’m proud of.” It’s calm, clear and it lets them know you won’t be swayed by subtle jabs.

One way to handle being compared to an ex is to reframe the conversation by gently reminding them, “I understand you had a connection with [ex’s name], but my relationship with [partner] is different, and I hope we can focus on building our own connection.” This sets a boundary without escalating tension, while also encouraging them to see you for who you are, not who they wish you were.

Beyond that, talk to your boyfriend. He’s your partner in this, and the two of you need to be on the same team. His silence on the matter might be bolstering his family’s criticisms, and that’s not cool. Make sure he understands how deeply this hurts, and ask him for support. Sometimes, we assume people know what we need, but they don’t. You could say, “When your mom makes comments like that, it really stings. I need you to have my back when it happens. Can we come up with a plan together?” He doesn’t have to choose between you and his family, but he can definitely step in when things are out of line.

Finally, take care of yourself. Family dynamics can be overwhelming, and it’s important to create some emotional distance from their negativity. Or opt out altogether. You don’t have to go to every BBQ or baby shower. You can say, nah, and go do something better. It’s a mini protest without a big confrontation.

Also make sure you’re carving out time with your boyfriend that has nothing to do with his family — no talking about them, no visiting them — just time to nourish what you two have. Their disapproval doesn’t have to shadow your happiness. You’re not a problem to be solved; you’re a person to be loved and respected, and those who can’t see that are missing out.

At the end of the day, you can’t control how his family (or anyone) feels about you, but you can control how much power you let them have over your emotions. When it comes to partners’ families, it’s about protecting your own sanity, staying as cool and respectful as you can, and setting boundaries where you need to. That’s how you keep your peace while walking through their fire.

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