I got a text recently from a 40-year-old male client who I’ve been working with on and off over the last few years. It said this: “I’ve been anxious to re-start dating. I just want this process to be done.”

I answered, “When you say that you want the process to be ‘done,’ what do you mean?”

Every week, at least three clients say to me, “I hate dating. I just want to be in a relationship.” Or, “I don’t want to date. I just want to be married.”

There are so many shows out there — "The Bachelor"/"Bachelorette" and "Love is Blind" (both of which recently finished up their respective—and disappointing, depending on who you ask—seasons) — that rush people through some arbitrary obstacles in order to get to the “outcome.” And in the case of both shows, that outcome is engagement/marriage.

I continued to say to the first client, “Dating is not something you can rush through to just be in a relationship.”

He replied: “I want to be married.”

Me: “Putting that added pressure on yourself makes it feel like every date is an interview for a wife. No wonder it’s so exhausting! As hard as it may be, try to take that pressure off of yourself.”

Him: “What’s the alternative? Besides having fun, enjoying the conversation, getting credit card points for paying, etc? :) Obviously I learn a lot from each interaction, both about myself and the other person.”

Me: “What, in your mind, is so great about marriage? It’s a moderately rhetorical question. That stage requires work too. Perhaps more work. But being married to the wrong person, because you hated dating and fast forwarded through the early stages, would be awful, so why rush the part of finding her? Along the way, though, you should have fun! So many people think seriously dating and fun can’t go together. But they can… and should. You can still have a desired goal but try to enjoy the process along the way.”

My main issue with "Love is Blind" is that it reinforces this self-imposed (OK, Netflix-imposed) sprint to the altar. I know it makes for good TV, but does it make for a happy life? You need to take the time at the beginning of any dating or relationship situation to choose wisely. If you’re going to be with someone forever, why rush the initial stages? (And I’m not even addressing the “blind” concept of the show. Let’s just say that I wish they didn’t just choose conventionally attractive people.)

On the most recent season of "The Bachelorette," the “winner,” Devin, broke up with Jenn before the finale of the show even aired. The “why” may never be known, but I have no doubt the pressures of everyday life came into play. The couple had simply never experienced these things together—waking up early for work, being apart for a few days at a time, having to call/text rather than see each other—hence the surprise and disappointment when their short-lived (both because the courting process was short and because they already broke up) relationship wasn’t up to the task. They sped through the initial stage to get engaged… but where did it leave them? As strangers.

These shows reinforce that the process of dating should never be skipped just to have the “outcome” you want. What’s the point of the outcome if it’s not earned and grown with the right person? In the end, is it marriage for the sake of marriage, or is it marriage with a person who truly adds value to your life? I would always push for the latter since marriage is no prize if you’re not happy. There’s a big difference between “playing house” and making a home.

As I would say to my client or anyone else, it’s not “over” when you meet the right person—it’s just the beginning of a new, and often more complex, stage of life. And the “dating” should never stop, even if and when you find your person.

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