Many of us have heard the phrase “define the relationship,” often shortened to “DTR.” One might say, “We had the DTR talk,” or “We DTR’d it.” But it turns out that one person’s DTR talk is another person’s confusion… often when those two people are in the same exact relationship!

Every Monday on Instagram, I host “Ask Erika Monday,” where I answer follower-submitted questions about dating dilemmas. And recently, I got several questions asking me similar things about the timeline of a relationship. Here’s one example:

“Three months in/exclusive, ready to DTR but don’t want to lose him if he’s not ready. How to have the talk?”

I felt frustrated reading that question. Why? Because if you’re, in fact, exclusive—as in, not dating other people—then why wasn’t the rest of the relationship defined? This was my response:

“That’s just a risk you’re going to have to take. I don’t want you not having your needs fulfilled because you are afraid of the other person’s reaction.

If you are exclusive, why do you think the two of you are not on the same page about what I presume are labels?

Try this: "I’ve really been enjoying everything we’ve been doing, and I love being exclusive with you. I just want to make sure we are on the same page about what that means for both of us. For me, I’d love to be able to call you my boyfriend/partner. What do you think?"

If he is, in fact, not ready, which, given your hesitancy, is decently likely, then it’s up to you to decide how to move forward or not. What I don’t want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with.

Lastly, I would prefer that the whole exclusivity/label conversation happens together so you don’t have this in-between period of being exclusive but wondering what they heck you are.”

I see this happening more and more… two people are dating. They decide to be exclusive, meaning they are not dating or sleeping with anyone else, but they are not in a defined relationship and have not specified what they are to each other (boyfriend/girlfriend, partner, etc.). This often leaves at least one person confused and pining for that next stage, if there is to be a next stage. To me, this is an unnecessary pit stop... or loophole?

Even if it takes longer to get there to make sure you feel comfortable, here’s what I’d like to see answered in a DTR talk:

-- Are we seeing or dating anyone else?

-- Are we pausing our online dating accounts… or deleting them?

-- How should we introduce each other? What labels should we use?

Entering a new relationship is not a guarantee of being together forever. It’s a stage where you get to experience things as a couple to see if you want to continue, well, experiencing things as a couple.

I understand the convenience and appeal of this multi-step arrangement, and it usually benefits one person, the one who doesn’t want to commit. “Exclusive” means you are focusing on seeing one person, not others. But it doesn't mean anything else. It doesn't mean you are in a committed relationship. It doesn’t mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend or partners. It’s convenient—convenient for the person who wants to enjoy all the benefits of exclusivity without the commitment of a label.

For some people, it alleviates the insecurity of the other person seeing (sleeping with) other people, without having to feel like it’s "serious."

It’s understandable that we might try to take things slowly, especially when the fear of commitment is strong, but introducing exclusivity without a label often leads to more confusion than clarity. If you’re exclusive but feel unsure about introducing someone as your partner, what exactly are you doing? Is it really solving your relationship anxiety, or just postponing it?

In the end, if you don’t want ambiguity, then don’t allow this in-between period. If the person you’re seeing, who presumably wants to be exclusive with you, can’t handle labels, then why should they be able to take you off the market? A healthy relationship doesn’t shy away from clarity.

It’s not just about putting a label on things—it’s about understanding that if someone is avoiding the conversation, it’s probably because they’re not as committed as you are. Don’t sell yourself short. You deserve someone who’s all in, not someone who’s halfway there.

©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC