ArcaMax

It took me many years of schlepping bags of heavy groceries from the market to my house before I realized I was the only one in my neighborhood doing it. Most of the other suburban shoppers had already realized what Domino's Pizza learned years ago: If it can be delivered, deliver it.

Newly wise to the ways of grocery procurement, I ...Read more

We recently received an invitation to a friend's house for game night.

"Great," I told my husband. "Do we have to play games?"

I am not opposed to all games. I'm not opposed to anyone who plays games, game designers, game salespeople, game collectors. I hereby recognize that games bring pleasure to untold humans in an often dispiriting world...Read more

"Hey honey, why is there a roll of toilet paper in my shoe?" my husband asked.

It was a perfectly reasonable question. People don't normally store rolls of toilet paper in their husband's shoes. But I had a DEFCON-5 toilet paper storage situation. Also, I'm not normal.

The trouble started when I ordered toilet paper online. I had hastily ...Read more

New school year, work your magic.

Bring on the perfectly plaited braids and buns topped with bows, the toothy, spitty smiles, the crinkly corners of eyes. Stuff our souls with smushed sandwiches and sloshing squares of purple juice.

Unearth those adorable, dorky chalkboards. Age: 6. Grade: 1. Favorite food: Noodles. Cupcakes. Goldfish. When ...Read more

"Ow!" I said as I went to lift the pan off the stovetop.

"What's 'ow'?" asked my husband, glancing over from the kitchen counter where he was working.

"I hurt my hand yesterday," I said, massaging the area of my hand where my first and second finger met. "I think I sprained a knuckle."

He gave me that look.

"I don't think that's possible,"...Read more

As a mere regular person, I don't know how political vetting works. I picture an episode of "Veep." Lots of blazers whirring by, young assistants decoding Gen Z memes, haggard operatives unearthing photos of potential candidates with appendages in light sockets. It was one time! In college!

When laboring over a presidential running mate, did ...Read more

No matter what I make for dinner, cleanup in our house is a pretty speedy affair because we have three dishwashers. First, there is the electronic one, which does a pretty good job, assuming you prewash the dishes before you run them through the dishwasher. Then there's dishwasher No. 2 -- my husband. He's generally responsible for the ...Read more

The word "dissociation" gets bandied about in these chaotic times, usually in context of watching forced proximity dating shows or capybara videos. This type of mental clocking out is passable but ultimately unfulfilling. It's numbing at best, doing little to stoke the champion fires within.

The Olympics, though. The Olympics have dropped ...Read more

I'm a pretty loyal consumer. Once I find something that works for me, whether it's ketchup or toothpaste, I usually stick with it unless something truly horrible happens, like they change the formula and go all New Coke on me. At those times, I question my very existence and wonder if I can continue to live on a planet where someone will ...Read more

After hours battling Disney passholder traffic on a Florida highway, I hustled into the theater moments before showtime. It's not a good start, being out of breath at a 4DX movie.

My seat on the end of a cluster of four immediately started jostling violently during a preview. I felt an ominous aura as breakfast bubbled up.

Maybe those theme ...Read more

On a typical day, I will probably get about 30 spam emails. Most of them are for diet pills, a few are for magic cellulite cream (are you noticing a theme here?), and occasionally I get one from a Nigerian prince letting me know he has a million dollars for me if I just give him my bank account number to transfer the funds. Of course, I never ...Read more

A-five-six-seven-eight.

A homeowner cracks the front door to retrieve a package. The sodden summer air crashes through the entryway like a wave. The homeowner breathes in, letting the warmth fill her air-conditioned lungs, soaking in sun to combat the stain of blue monitor light. The fine hairs on her arms elevate. She closes her eyes. Big ...Read more

Yes, it’s that glorious season that so many pumpkin-spice addicts claim to be their favorite. I must admit that, I, too, succumb each year to the autumnal charms of fall, except for my seemingly never-ending battle with leaves, or, as I like to call them – tree dandruff.

So what is it that ironically draws us to a season that marks the ...Read more