ArcaMax

Hi! What is the Gulf of Mexico?

I will answer the question with more questions, an old sales trick: Have you heard of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama or Florida? Have you been to a beach? Did you not witness the 2024 hurricane season? Did the schools fail you this badly?

There's no reason to be like that.

You're right. Sorry, tensions are high everywhere. I'm on day two of chest pain that's either a pulled muscle, generalized anxiety or the impending end of my life. You know?

Let's start over. The Gulf of Mexico, or Golfo de Mexico in Spanish, is a 615,000-square-mile basin surrounded by parts of both the United States and Mexico as well as Cuba.

Is it the ocean?

No, though it is part of the Atlantic Ocean. However, should you ever call it "the ocean" in, say, a local newspaper, certain people will get very INBOXY.

Is it true that President Donald Trump wants to rename it... the Gulf of America?

So he says. Reasons stated include that it has a "beautiful ring."

Can he do that?

Incredibly, yes. The president can tell the federal government to call the body of water Little Timmy Tim if he wants. Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene of Georgia immediately promised to start on a bill to get in front of this, the most pressing and important issue of our time. Trump signed an executive order regarding the name change on his first day in office. And Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has already started using the term in state communications.

Will the rest of the world comply?

Not necessarily, despite the whispers of whoever on the Trump team is cosplaying Littlefinger from "Game of Thrones." An international organization controls the common use of the name when it comes to seafaring matters.

Why is he doing this?

Mon ami, you dare request sense? This humdinger proposal dovetails with other claims Trump has made recently about wanting control of Canada, the Panama Canal and Greenland. It's the way my dog marks every shrub and signpost at the Sunday farmers market to claim them for Pomerania.

Doesn't America have other gulfs? Why claim this one?

Oh, sure. One in Alaska, one in Maine, various others. But only one of our gulfs contains the name of the country Trump regularly accuses of being controlled by cartels and to which he is vowing to deport untold numbers of people. So. There's that.

Honestly, some of this sounds racist.

And imperialist! Good eye.

Will this make the price of eggs go down?

Don't you even start.

Does this have legs, or is it another distraction from a nefarious eroding of American norms?

I mean, it's hard to say what's real anymore, right? According to Mark Zuckerberg, calling things real is just censorship. The people decide what's real! Truth is a mutable object, a mutually agreed-upon concept like currency or Goldendoodles! For instance, some say the events of Jan. 6, 2021, were simply a giant French braiding chain. We'll never know. Anyway, we are all living in an AI simulation now. We all have poreless skin and six fingers on each hand. I mean, here I am talking to myself when I could be touching grass, or rather, staring out at the beautiful and majestic Gulf of America in order to ground myself in reality, but reality doesn't exist, so there's no point. Next question.

Heh, do you remember Freedom Fries?

Get out of here.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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