Humor
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Smart Sister
One evening during a poker game, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.
"But, wait a minute," said one listener. "Your sister will have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?" asked another ...Read more
Sith Lord Wanted
Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.
An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a ...Read more
I Am Your New Dishwasher and I Will Destroy You
Hi, and welcome to your new dishwasher! We hope you enjoy the experience of not quite getting your dishes clean every day for the rest of your life. This manual will take you through some of the finer points of using your exciting appliance.
First, please know that you must load the dishwasher in order for it to work. Stacking rinsed dishes ...Read more
The Online Fashionista
When I used to live in the city, I would use my lunch break from work to shop one-day sample sales. This had the dual advantage of keeping me slim (no lunch) and getting cool clothes at a bargain. Of course, there were no dressing rooms at these things, and I live in fear of the day a hidden-camera tape surfaces on the internet of me ripping ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The dream team
As a newspaper columnist whose specialty is doing nothing and writing about it, I thought I had a dream job.
Then I met Raminder, a technician whose job was to watch me dream and record what I did in bed — it was nothing to write home about — during a sleep study.
I participated in this diagnostic test, which required me to stay in a ...Read more
Best and Worst Recession Indicators
How did you spend Liberation Day? I celebrated President Donald Trump announcing confounding reciprocal tariffs on worldwide trading partners by wondering how much money to hide inside my mattress, fielding inquiries from mortgage brokers and listening to the new Kesha song. It's like we never made it out of 2009.
With the stock market ...Read more
The Eyebrows Have It
As I perused the latest fashion magazine, I noticed something about the models.
They all had big eyebrows. Big, perfect eyebrows. Big, sculpted, perfectly groomed and arched eyebrows.
And I did not.
Not that I'm comparing myself to a model, because that would be impossible on just so many levels. I could not make myself 6 feet tall, 115 ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The inside story
Every 10 years, my internal clock, which I inadvertently swallowed while eating Jell-O, reminds me to have a colonoscopy.
Unfortunately, the sulfate solution I took to wash down the Jell-O and everything else I ingested on my one-day liquid preparation diet would have lost to sewer sludge in a blind taste test.
That’s the sacrifice I made to...Read more
Kids, Pull Yourselves Up by the Bootstraps!
Eyes up, children. It's 2025, and you can say goodbye to Takis and Mountain Dew Code Red by the pool. Government is getting more efficient, and fast. That means everyone will have to work harder, including those of you with a still-soft prefrontal cortex.
It's time you learned a few things about life. We're dumping boring meetings held in ...Read more
Nothing Comes Between Me and My Lava Cake
When it comes to desserts, there are three kinds of people: sugary-dessert people, fruit-dessert people and no-dessert people. I'm a sugary-dessert person, and like most sugary-dessert people, I don't get the other kinds of dessert people at all. I can almost understand no-dessert people. But fruit-dessert people? Fruit as a dessert seems like...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The Fab Floor
You can make book on the fact that I’m not a guy to sweep things under the rug. But you may be floored to know that I brought the hammer down on our latest home improvement project.
That’s why I had to clean my office of enough books to bury Moby-Dick so new flooring could be installed with the help of yours truly and my trusty hammer.
...Read more
Don't Call Me, I'll Call You
"Hello, hello," I said when I saw my husband's number come up on my phone.
Nothing.
"Hellllloooooooooo?" I said louder.
"Can I have a tall decaf skim mocha Frappuccino?" I heard my husband say. It sounded like he wasn't talking directly into his phone but rather from a galaxy far, far away.
"HELLLLOOOOOO!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Thinking outside the cookie box
I like to think I’m a tough cookie, but my sweet tooth, which may have a cavity, can’t resist the treats sold every year by the Girl Scouts.
That’s why I have bought two boxes of cookies from my 8-year-old granddaughter, who represents the third generation of Girl Scouts in our family.
They include my wife, Sue, and our two daughters, ...Read more
Feeling World-Weary? Sink Into Nature for a Reset
Last weekend, I ventured on a wee break to the Rainbow River in Dunnellon, Florida, with friends. You know, clumsy kayaking, steamy morning java, birds and otters aplenty. The group discouraged phone use, a disorienting prospect in 2025 when national policy unfolds via unhinged tweets at all hours of the night.
While I didn't go cold turkey ...Read more
Attention All Catalog Shoppers
Back in my early days of suburbia, I received one or two catalogs in the mail, and that was about it. However, catalogs, I soon learned, are like rabbits: They tend to multiply if left unattended. At first I looked forward to the occasional Pottery Barn and Williams-Sonoma catalogs. Not that I was buying, because we were young and house poor. ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: My week
When you’re retired, you don’t live in the fast lane. In fact, my wife, Sue, and I are on the side of the road with a flat tire. The trade-off is that you can’t get fired from a job you don’t have.
Still, there has been great concern by a certain prominent person about how certain subordinate but no less important people spend their ...Read more
How To Consume News Responsibly in End Times
I spoke to a women's group last week about writing columns, working in news, hitting deadlines and all things Hot Global Mess. After the event, I chatted with a couple folks who shared similar sentiments: They're burned out.
The first woman tearfully said she saved a recent column I wrote about not wanting to talk about the news because it ...Read more
A Super Dog Day Afternoon
Being the deep, substantial person that I am, I was kind of hoping that following my knee replacement surgery, my at-home physical therapist would resemble someone like Jason Momoa. Unfortunately, it seemed all the buff therapists had already been assigned, because I ended up with one who looked more like Ant-Man than Aquaman.
Still, I didn't...Read more
Jerry Zezima: No snooze is bad news
To sleep — perchance to snore. Ay, there’s the rib, which my wife, Sue, pokes every time I snore while she’s trying to sleep.
My unconscious imitation of a buzzsaw, which I allegedly do often enough that Sue has to go into another room to get a good night’s slumber, is the reason I have been signed up to participate in a sleep study, ...Read more
Attn: Elon Musk, Here's What I Did This Week
Things I did this week:
Made list titled "Things I did this week."
Crossed off "make list." Very strong start, productive, busy, etc.
Decided to document all activity for Elon Musk to personally review. I do not work for the federal government. Still, it seems helpful to supply data in advance, trying to delay the inevitable draft of ...Read more
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