ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, my wife and I have hosted a large, somewhat elaborate holiday open house, complete with a lot of homemade dishes, champagne, activities and accommodations for children. We've often had more than 50 people attend.

It is expensive, and more than a little work, but we enjoy the result. We consider it a gift to our friends, as well as a way to maintain friendships with people we may not get the opportunity to visit with during the year. We are truly glad to host and consider it a privilege.

We don't expect people to reciprocate, nor do we expect gifts, although we do accept contributions of champagne or any preferred drink (a host can only do so much, right?). It really is a case where a good time is had by all, and we enjoy making it happen.

My complaint isn't with people who don't RSVP. Let's face it: That ship sailed long ago. Despite many people failing to respond, we've done a good job over the years of managing our expectations so that we don't run out of food or end up with gigantic portions of leftovers. (If people don't RSVP and also don't attend for several years, we simply drop them from the invitation list with no hard feelings.)

Instead, my issue is with people who DO respond, but say things like, "Oh, it's such a busy time for us and we've got so much to do with blah, blah, blah and we'll probably be coming back from out of town that day and I just don't know how to make it happen but we'll try to come if we can squeeze it in."

I find this downright insulting. My wife and I are perfectly aware that the holidays are a busy time, especially for large families and for people in certain professions. But I can't understand why people respond as if we've now added some additional unbearable chore to their already overcrowded holiday to-do list, or that they'd be doing us a favor by shouldering this added burden.

We get it -- the holidays are busy and you can't make it! Come, don't come -- we're fine with it either way, and we still love you. But please don't act like we're pressuring you into some unbearable obligation.

GENTLE READER: That ship which sailed seems to have been part of an entire fleet of departing courtesies. You and your wife are to be congratulated on your ability to plan a large party without knowing how many people will attend.

Everyone else Miss Manners hears from considers this a logistical nightmare; that is why etiquette asks that prompt and definitive answers be given. That, and because it is insulting to ignore a hospitable offer.

But you are remarkably tolerant -- or perhaps just realistic about the state of manners today. You do not expect your invitations to be acknowledged. You do not expect your guests to reciprocate your hospitality. You only object to dithering replies.

Actually, all of these lapses have the same cause: a lack of respect for the host. But the dithering is the easiest one to handle: Just cut if off with holiday wishes and a "We hope you can make it," or, if you are really annoyed, "Sorry you can't make it."

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN