ArcaMax

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"

Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.

A few minutes later, ...Read more

The manager of a large corporation had a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go to a farm for several weeks to relax. After a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him something to do.

The farmer told him to clean the manure from the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working his ...Read more

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" ...Read more

A salesman for a mobile home dealership had a customer call him about this problem:

The customer called and said she was having problems with her air conditioner.

She said, "Mr. X, we are about to freeze to death! I keep turning it down but it won't go off!"

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

What did Noah do for a job?
He was an ark-itecht!

What's that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke!

Teacher: When do astronauts eat?
Pupil: At launch time!

Father: You were absent on the ...Read more

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio...Read more

Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find ...Read more

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!

Doctor, Doctor I've broken my arm in two places
Well don't go back there again then!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal ...Read more

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm ...Read more

Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly Charges

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasn't the Cigarettes -- It Was the Ashtrays

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President

Florida to Be Readmitted to Union

Plague of...Read more

You may have heard that a new president will be inaugurated on Monday.

By Donald Trump's side, reportedly, will be the billionaire Founding Fathers of our exciting oligarchy. This includes Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg, who has rebranded by cutting baby bangs and wearing chains last seen on a Zales truck. As part of this macho ...Read more

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"...Read more

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured...Read more

During the course of a heated softball tournament, the coach felt the need to remind one of his players about the importance of team play and good sportsmanship.

The coach asked the player if he knew and remembered what good sportsmanship was.

The player replied, "Yes."

The coach then asked him if he knew he shouldn't curse at the umpire or ...Read more

Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead.
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And more mixed up in the head.

For sometimes I can't remember,
When I stand at foot of stairs,
If I must go up for something,
Or if I've just come down from there.

And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is ...Read more