Humor
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Tommy and Math
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his ...Read more
Bangety Bang Bang!
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of ...Read more
Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual...Read more
Grand Delusions
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
Winning Run
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.
"So, how did you do, son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
Contingent Fee
Q: What is a contingent fee?
A: A contingent fee means, if the lawyer doesn't win your suit, he gets nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.
More Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at ...Read more
Gone With The Wind
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind.'"
"And how is it?"
"Nothing much. The book was better."
The Art of Being Stalked at Rooms To Go
A twin delight and horror of moving into a new house is finding furniture that fits uncharted nooks and crannies.
For instance, while my old home had one dining area, my new home also has a dreaded "breakfast nook." This means that we are to travel between tables to masticate depending on the meal's formality. It's like a suburban version of ...Read more
Bumper stickers in the Star Wars Universe, part 2
... continued from above
Support your local stormtrooper -- buy Imperial
Max Rebo Tour '13 [or whatever year it is]
X-wing pilots do it better
Poodoo happens...
"My other vehicle is an AT-AT"
"Palpatine/Vader in 2014 (Like you have a choice)"
Continued below...
Bumper stickers in the Star Wars Universe, part 1
My Jedi brat can beat up your honors student
I survived the Battle of Endor
Palpatine, save me from your followers
My other starship is an SSD
Visit Scenic Beggars Canyon
Jedi Master on board -- please fly carefully
Continued below...
More Things I'd Like to Hear, Just Once
From a store clerk:
"The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."
"I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers."
"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you ...Read more
New Pet Device
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work."
I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Greatest Aunt Chippy Prank EVER
There is a robotaxi company called Waymo and they have an app here in LA County which you can use to hail one of their driverless cars. Jimmy was next to one of these cars at a stoplight and thought it would be fun to have Aunt Chippy picked up in one of them and then have it drive off, with her in the backseat. So we hired an actor to play a ...Read more
Hugh Grant Goes on a Rant About His Many Pet Peeves, Breaks Down His Heretic Character
Hugh Grant talks about the delicate line to playing his character in Heretic and goes on a rant about his many pet peeves - including water bottles, backpacks and slow walkers.
Meanwhile... TikTok Tush | LaGuardia Airport Raccoon | Paranormal Hotels
Meanwhile... Don't watch so much TikTok on the toilet, a raccoon fell from the ceiling at New York's LaGuardia airport, and haunted hotels are marketing themselves to travelers who like spooky accommodations.
Emma Willmann Stand-Up: Introducing Girlfriends to Her Dad, Being a Therapist | The Tonight Show
Comedian Emma Willmann talks about being an HR booby trap, introducing her girlfriends to her dad and not being able to avoid gossiping if she was a therapist.
Stop redundancy
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing.
So their first ...Read more
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