ArcaMax

Getting fired used to take lots of work.

You had to screw up continually before your managers even noticed you were goofing off. Then they had to prove it. "Document, document, document" was the war cry of the HR department. Months of bad performance had to be tracked before your name could be added to the "wouldn't it be nice to fire" list. Even then, you first had to be put on probation, which meant more time under the managerial microscope before it was time to pack your boxes and be marched off the premises.

A system this labor intensive was definitely ripe for automation. Now, it's happened. All thanks to AI.

Today's artificial intelligence systems are not only accelerating workflow but also accelerating employee flow. By digitally monitoring everything you do and don't do, it's a matter of milliseconds before your micro lapses in productivity and maxi mistakes in judgement are recorded, evaluated, coalesced and delivered to your manager's desktop for judgment.

If your manager clicks once, you're off the hook. Click twice and you're out the door.

"Monitoring employee performance" is the name for AI systems that track what you do and don't do. This is not exactly how the product is sold.

In "Companies Want to Use AI Tracking to Make You Better at Your Job," a recent article in The Washington Post by Danielle Abril, we learn that software providers are "promoting work tools that use data to combat burnout, reduce stress levels, and boost productivity and engagement."

If this sounds wonderful to you, better cut back on the blue pills.

"We're used to a model where you need to suck up to the boss," warns Darrell West, a senior fellow at the Center for Technology Innovation. "Now you need to suck up to the computer, the camera and the virtual reality headset."

Julie Carlson, 36-year-old peer mentor, also saw the problem:"Is this a way to get more information to leverage against us?" she worried. "It's just a feeling of Big Brother watching you."

Watching you, Julie, and counting your keystrokes.

While AI monitoring systems are becoming pervasive, one system is invasive. The Pulse app by Fierce, a corporate training company, "integrates with workers' wearable devices to monitor heart-rate variability."

The company claims the AI system "can detect when people enter 'fight or flight' mode." It also connects with workers' calendars to "help identify the situation that may have led to elevated levels of stress."

Like when your biggest client announces they're firing you. Or the hot new intern in marketing walks by your office door.

Not satisfied with monitoring critical bodily functions, the app's AI system will also "recommend a course of action via a chatbot or live coach."

Personally, I'll take the chatbot. They're more interesting than any human coach HR could provide, and I'm used to dealing with soulless robots. At my place of work, they're called managers.

Other AI systems "aim to give human resources departments the ability to identify and offer recourse to workers who may feel less connected to co-workers or the organization." This is accomplished by what data scientists like me call "snooping." By monitoring your personal communications on email and Slack, the software detects any wavering in your loyalty to the company, or any criticism of the perfect humans who run it.

Once identified, employees who do not meet the standard for "an overall sense of belonging" can be provided "personalized suggestions for disconnected workers, including a coffee meeting between two people based on openings in both parties' calendars."

A coffee meeting is good. A Kool-Aid meeting would be better. If an employee won't drink it, they'll simply have to go.

With AI running the show, finding and firing underachievers is fast and faultless. Though some malcontents may rile against working for Big Brother, more ambitious employees will embrace the constant supervision and push the monitoring even further. If measuring heart rate is acceptable, why not include cranial implants to ensure negative thoughts are identified before they can be expressed? A stylish, Bluetooth-enabled shock collar will provide instant feedback when a lag in performance is identified, enabling the company to keep all employees electrified.

Of course, if a company decides that it is better to have employees taking personal responsibility for their work, their ideas, their heart rates, a solution is available. Firing an intrusive manager takes time. All you have to do to fire an AI manager is pull the plug.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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