ArcaMax

MOSCOW — US President Donald Trump thought that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was ready to walk down the aisle and say “I do” to a rare earth minerals deal with the US at the White House. But then Zelensky decided to play hard to get — swiping left in Trump’s face so hard that it’s a miracle it didn’t leave an actual mark on his signature bronzer.

For the special occasion, Zelenskyy even ditched his usual “gardener casual” look for a more refined “gardener chic” ensemble — an upgrade that was completely lost on one MAGA reporter present. “Why don’t you wear a suit?” he asked, apparently unappreciative of world leaders who insist on dressing like they’re about to nonchalantly mulch a flower bed while actually sewing seeds of mayhem.

But with the whole world watching, Zelenskyy pulled a runaway bride, backing out of the deal at the last second and complaining about the terms of the prenup. His reasoning? Diplomacy didn’t work before, so why bother now?

A bold take, considering both former German Chancellor Angela Merkel and former French President François Hollande have openly admitted that the previous“peace” deal — the 2014 Minsk agreement— was really just a sneaky way for the West to turn Ukraine into a weapons depot. Merkel suggested that it was just a stall tactic, while Hollande called it a golden opportunity for Ukraine’s NATO-backed military to bulk up.

Who could’ve guessed that exploiting the banner of diplomacy to gear up for war wouldn’t end well?

“I’m talking about the kind of diplomacy that’s going to end the destruction of your country,” said Vice President JD Vance, spelling out the change in policy under America's new management.

Ah yes, a brand-new kind of diplomacy — one that actually prevents destruction instead of just postponing it until the weapons shipments arrive. Maybe try giving that a go.

“I think it’s disrespectful for you to come into the Oval Office and try to litigate this in front of the American media,” Vance added, verbally drop-kicking Zelenskyy right in the tactical trousers. “This is going to be great television,” Trump said. Yeah, it sure is already — like one interminable episode of “Deal or No Deal” where the contestant has a fit every time he doesn’t get to just keep opening all the briefcases of cash on demand.

“We are ready to sign the minerals agreement,” Zelenskyy subsequently announced — from London — where he was waiting to meet with European leaders, who are always up for some touchy-feely rebounding with their favorite girlfriend.

Then, Zelenskyy pulled a classic “it’s not me, it’s you” move from an ocean away. “A ceasefire without security guarantees is dangerous for Ukraine,” he said in reference to the Oval Office drama.

Oh, so that was the issue? Not enough NATO troops in the mix? Because last time I checked, NATO poking around in Ukraine is exactly what lit the fuse on this whole mess. And now the big idea for “security” is … doubling down and demanding that any potential future grease fire be put out by tossing in a Molotov cocktail at it?

Know what sounds even less secure? World War III. Because that’s exactly where this would head if these so-called “security guarantees” involved the US pledging to jump headfirst into a direct fight with Russia over Ukraine. And let’s be honest — there are plenty of unhinged war hawks who would love to make that happen and wouldn’t hesitate to cook up a convenient little false flag to speed things along.

But here’s the thing: the minerals agreement is the security guarantee. Does Zelenskyy actually think that Washington is going to let its corporate giants start digging up Ukrainian soil for riches while missiles are flying around above their heads?

In the wake of the awkward public spat, Zelenskyy tried to save face. “Despite the tough dialogue, we remain strategic partners,” he said. Cute. But let’s be real: Ukraine’s “strategic” value to Washington has only ever been its willingness to play pawn in the game against Russia. And that game is over under Trump. Even French President Emmanuel Macron called NATO “brain dead” for its Russia obsession in an interview with The Economist in 2019 — before he was successfully browbeaten back into line by the globalist establishment.

If NATO hadn’t spent years turning Ukraine into a weapons depot and a launchpad for irritating Moscow — shelling ethnic Russian areas on the border and trying to maintain Western-friendly puppets in power in Kyiv — none of this would have happened in the first place.

Trump seems much more interested in bypassing the messy war part and cutting straight to securing business deals. But Zelenskyy is still stuck on repeat, echoing his European backers' talking points as they insist that Ukraine is the last stand for democracy, freedom and Western values — never mind that their own policies are chipping away at those ideals back home. They want the world to believe that if Ukraine weren’t “defending” Europe, then Putin’s tanks would already be double-parked by the Eiffel Tower. “Fast & Furious: Kremlin Drift” is a blockbuster that only seems to exist in the minds of NATO’s screenwriters.

“You have a nice ocean and don’t feel [the problem] now. But you will feel it in the future,” Zelenskyy warned Trump, who shot back that Americans don’t need to be told what they’re going to feel. “You are going to feel influence,” Zelenskyy pressed. The only “influence” Western citizens have been feeling lately is the relentless firehose of pro-war propaganda. Their leaders have spent two years cranking up the fear machine, justifying funneling tens of billions in taxpayer money straight into the pockets of their own weapons industries — all “for Ukraine,” of course — while marginalizing and censoring dissenters as peddlers of “disinformation.”

In the meantime, Putin has offered to partner with Trump on resource ventures in Russian-controlled territories. Does Zelenskyy seriously think that Trump’s going to stick around and deal with the endless costly drama when there’s a more lucrative venture on offer that could effectively end the Russia-US Cold War? Or that Europe will take over that fight itself when the European cost of living and economy is circling the drain already as a result of this fiasco?

Falling for the sweet talk of European elites and previous US administrations is exactly how Ukraine ended up in this mess. Zelenskyy’s mistake? Thinking that he was an equal partner in an authentic relationship when he was just the geopolitical equivalent of a Tinder date — ripe for exploitation and gaslighting to the tragic detriment of his countrymen … and of world peace.