ArcaMax

As an enemy of the people, or "journalist" as we were called in the pre-Trumpian eras of light, I am at some risk of being silenced. How soon? Well, that depends on how many Fox News commentators Trump appoints to his new administration.

But writers, like cockroaches, can survive nearly every adverse condition. In fact, if cockroaches could drink whiskey, they'd be so much like writers that it wouldn't be possible to separate the real vermin from the vermin with journalism degrees.

(At this point in my column, some Republican Party member in the suburbs of Beloit, Wisconsin, begins writing me an email beginning, "You make my point for me. Journalists ARE cockroaches!")

However bug-like I may or may not be, I intend to survive as long as I can in this brave new world. It might take a little tap dancing, but that's why roaches have six legs.

So, to keep myself alive through at least the first three purges, I've started a list of "safe" column topics and how to write those columns. Ready? OK. Everybody salute the flag, and let's tap dance our way to safety.

No. 1: The flag. I love the flag. I salute the flag. Flag-burning should be a felony. Maybe they should kill you for burning the flag. If I see you burning the flag, I'll beat you to death. Sing with me, "For fruited waves of ebony and limber grains of rye ... "

No. 2: Veterans. I love veterans. I respect the troops. I support the troops. I respect supporting the troops. I want our military to be strong. We haven't won a war since 1945, so maybe we need to be a little stronger. In my columns, everything will be compared to veterans, as in, "How can we spend our tax dollars on books for the public library when our veterans are homeless?" I will also suggest that if anyone wants a free college education/health care/pension, they should join the miliary and earn it like a real American.

No. 3: Police officers and firefighters and prison guards and crossing guards. They're heroes! All of them! Thin Blue Line. Back the Blue. I believe police should be able to shoot to kill, choke to kill, kick to kill and beat to kill anyone provided the officer is in fear of his/her life, mistrusts members of large swaths of the population or just has a hangover. If it is wearing a uniform, I say it can do no wrong. This applies to every person in a uniform except members of the United States Capitol Police, who are murderous thugs.

No. 4: Pregnant women. Ever see the way a pregnant, legally married white woman glows? It's beautiful. Ever see the way a pregnant 12-year-old girl glows when she's carrying Uncle Brian's baby? If that girl's pregnant, it's because God doesn't make mistakes. God reached down, gave Uncle Brian a 12-pack and a pint of blueberry vodka and then put him directly on top of the 12-year-old girl.

No. 5: Drag queens. They're after your kids. Don't worry about your kids being around priests, youth football coaches, scoutmasters or Uncle Brian. It's the drag queens.

OK. So that's only five ideas, but, if I use every idea 10 times, that's 50 columns, and that's just about a year's worth, and I haven't even started on how much I love guns and how much I hate migrants. That's another year right there, and I haven't even mentioned the Illuminati or any rich Jewish people or the idea that slavery wasn't really that bad a way to live.

I'm gonna be fine. Really.

To find out more about Marc Dion, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.