It's Wise To Have Healthy Boundaries
Q: One of my not-so-distant relatives is an extremely difficult person to be around. "Chris" can spot a flaw from across the room -- and never wastes an opportunity to criticize. I know I shouldn't care what "Chris" thinks, but I do. Help?
Jim: This is something that many of us experience. The closer our relationship with a critical person, the more difficult it becomes to deal with them. Since these individuals play an integral role in our life, their validation is important to us. But instead of their encouragement and support, we receive cynicism and judgment. Perhaps we've even confronted them, asking them to bring balance to their perspective. Yet they continue to be a needle in a balloon factory, determined to pop every dream or goal we share with them.
Here's the curious part. Although their negativity is as predictable as the sunrise, for some reason we still seek these people out for their approval, hoping each time for a different response. But nothing ever changes. It's a little like expecting milk from a water fountain. Why stand there all day, pushing the lever again and again, hoping for something other than water to come out?
Here's the point: A water fountain doesn't dispense milk, and critical people don't dispense encouragement or validation. They criticize; they point out flaws. If they ever change, it will have to come from inside their own heart -- it's not up to you.
The solution, then, is to love that person for who they are -- but take your need for affirmation to another friend or family member who will honor it in positive ways. Healthy boundaries are wise, even with those closest to us.
If you'd like to discuss this situation with our staff counselors, they'd be happy to help; call 855-771-HELP (4357).
Q: As we start a new year, my husband and I are worried about how our busy pace of life is playing out in our parenting. It feels like our lives run us, not the other way around, and our energy is generally tanked when we get home. How can we change this pattern?
Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: You're not alone -- our entire culture runs non-stop. As parents, we have to be the ones pressing the pause button of life to shift our mindset and gain perspective. It's all about being intentional.
Being intentional means prioritizing how to invest your time and energy. It's recognizing the importance of establishing boundaries, learning to say "no" to some things so that you can focus on your children. And it's about understanding yourself well enough to know what recharges you; for instance, maybe using your lunch break to work out, read a book ... or even take a quick nap! Finding a balance strengthens your ability to parent well.
Parenting doesn't demand perfection, but it does require the intentionality to effectively manage your:
1. Time. Obviously, we all have a limited amount of time to work with. But your schedule is yours to manage. You'll be surprised how small adjustments can add up to make a big difference.
2. Attention. What captures your attention -- and why? Again, attention is something you control, but you have to be intentional about where it's pointed. You can give your kids attention up front -- through relationship -- or you'll likely spend a lot of time correcting and dealing with behavior issues down the road.
3. Boundaries. What are your priorities modeling for your children? What can you say "no" to in order to say "yes" to your family?
Intentionality may sound simple, but it requires energy and time -- two things many of us feel we lack. So, we have to adjust our priorities accordingly.
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Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
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