Q. I have tried to talk to my co-parent about some concerns I have, but she immediately gets defensive. It turns into a shouting match, and I end up the bad guy. I’m not trying to call her out, I just want to talk about the kids. How can we change this? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. You may not think you are calling her out, but she may feel you are and that’s why you are getting the response you are getting.

I find when couples disagree, and this includes ex-couples, it’s not what they say as much as how they say it. The words they use hit a nerve and rather than listen to the message, they respond to the language used or the timing and that starts a vicious blame cycle. You end up fighting about what was said during the argument rather than the subject that brought you to the table in the first place.

So, let’s look at some language you might have used to initiate her negative reaction. Say you started the conversation with, “I have some things I’d like to talk about.” Your co-parent, leery from the last conversation says, “OK, what?” You follow up with, “You are always 15 minutes late to exchanges and I hate waiting. Could you stop being late!?!”

There are quite a few red flags in that statement. Even if it’s exactly how you feel, presenting it as such will not get a positive response. Starting a sentence with “You” followed by something negative makes the person to whom you are speaking feel blamed, as in “You are late!” It’s doubtful you will get an argument if you say something like, “You are so beautiful.” But, that just proves my point. “You,” then a negative word, equals strike one.

The use of “always” or “never” is subconsciously accusatory and immediately puts people on the defense. They will inevitably come back with, “That’s not true!” or some equivalent statement. Even if it is completely true, most will automatically deny whatever is presented as something that they never or always do. That’s strike two.

Two other commonly confused words are “could” and “would.” “Could” is asking, “Is there a possibility?” “Would” is asking for a favor. So, “Could you stop being late!” asks if there is a possibility that you could stop being late. Of course there is a possibility, but that’s not the issue. Although you believe you are “being honest and straightforward,” which aligns with Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 8, she’s thinking what a jerk you are because you are blaming her for being late. That’s strike three, you’re out, and you think you are trying as hard as you can to be transparent in your communication. “Why can’t we just talk?”

You can talk, but emphasize how YOU feel — not what the other person did, or they will automatically go on defense. You can’t co-parent on the defensive.

Don’t say, “I feel like you don’t appreciate anything I do.” Say, “I feel unappreciated when my efforts go unnoticed.”

I know this sounds simple, but it works. No blame, just stating how you feel. You’ll be surprised how different your co-parent’s response will be. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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