Q. I have noticed in other columns that you have suggested that parents should be the only ones attending 504 special ed meetings for their children. Bonus parents should not attend. My ex believes his wife should attend, but last time we tried it, she was very opinionated and took over the entire meeting. Our meeting is coming up, and I would like to be on the same page with my child’s father, but he is holding out that his wife also attends. I am not comfortable with that. Maybe down the road, but after the last meeting, I don’t want to be embarrassed again in front of my child’s teacher. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. I know you are looking for me to weigh in, but the answer is different for different families so I can't give you a blanket statement of whether bonus parents should or should not attend such meetings. Truth be told, it’s not a good idea for co-parents and their new partners to attempt attending anything together before they are ready for it. Sounds like you all attempted this before your co-parenting relationship gelled as a team.

Here's something to consider: If the children go back and forth between the parents' homes and the bonus parents take an active role in helping them with their schoolwork, then the bonus parents being present at such meetings would be beneficial. However, the rule that I quote most often for this sort of thing is, "Parents make the rules; bonus parents uphold those rules." (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 4) So, if the bonus parent supports the rules put in place by the parents, she would be an asset at the meeting. If she attempts to establish precedent or openly contradicts parental observations, she would not.

Let's look at it this way: A pilot is the designated captain of the aircraft, while a co-pilot is the second-in-command who assists the pilot in the operation of the aircraft. Parents are the pilots; bonus parents are co-pilots. They assist the parents.

Where this gets sticky is when bonus parents also have children. Then, they are both pilot and co-pilot and often feel overlooked and disrespected if they can't weigh in. Bio parents feel similarly in those cases because they don't want bonus parents to establish precedent for their children.

That's when co-parenting must be approached by a parenting consensus where all are team players and all work together to present a united front for all the children in their care.

My suggestion at this juncture is not to look to past performance, but openly discuss what you and your co-parent feel is acceptable behavior from all of you at such meetings from this point on. Don’t point fingers and blame the other; it will take you backward. Look for the compromise (Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 10).

It may be that she does not attend this one and you will revisit her attendance at the next one. Truthfully, it's not really about who attends, but how each attendee acts at the meetings. Discuss it, come to a consensus and follow that to a tee. Then you will be working as a team. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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