Dear Kid Whisperer,

My 13-year-old daughter, like many of her friends, carries a water bottle around with her all day at school. Since the beginning of the last school year, she’s been forgetting it, and this year, she’s been forgetting it much more -- usually twice per week. I bring it to her because I don’t want her to become dehydrated. Even though I tell her that it’s not my job to bring her the water bottle, she acts like it is. How do I deal with this?

Answer: I would first say that you are acting like it is your job to bring her water bottle to school, and your daughter is just reacting to how you are acting.

When you say one thing but do another, kids tend to ignore what you say and pay attention to what you do.

I’m going to show you how to minimize what you say but align those few words to what you do.

Training your kid to be more responsible here will be simple tactically. If you do what I’m about to show you, I guarantee you that you will be able to get your kid to remember her water bottle (after a relatively brief period of failure). But it will require a paradigm shift that, frankly, I’m not sure you’ll be willing to make.

I mention this because after almost a quarter century of working with parents (and also after some years of being a parent), I’ve found that someone who delivers a forgotten water bottle to school every time their kid leaves it at home usually has such a profound misunderstanding about how learning responsibility works that they are usually unwilling to make the necessary changes to help their kid(s) to become more responsible.

So, here we go, and here’s hoping.

If you act like it’s your responsibility to make sure your kid has something, your kid will think it’s your responsibility to make sure they have that thing.

So stop doing that.

Your kid will not die of thirst at school. You never did. I never did. No one ever did.

You’re just going to allow your kid to use the drinking fountain during passing periods, just like you did, just like I did, just like everyone did.

In the unlikely event that your kid’s school has bottle fillers and no fountains, encourage your kid to keep little paper cups in her backpack.

Here’s how you set your kid up to learn to be responsible:

Kid Whisperer: Hey there. I need to apologize to you. I think I’ve given you the false impression that it’s my job to remember to bring your stuff to school. This has caused me to nag you and get on your case. That had to be annoying, and I won’t do that anymore.

Kid: Good!

Kid Whisperer: Yes, good indeed. From now on, if you forget something at home, like homework, water bottles or anything else, I’ll just be sad about it instead of doing anything about it.

Kid: But what if I become thirsty?

Kid Whisperer: I don’t know. I know you’ll figure this out. I love you too much to allow you to think that it’s someone else’s job to solve your problems. From now on, you are in charge of you, and this will be a far more exciting way for you to live your life.

When Kid forgets her water bottle (and she will) just be sad and perhaps ask what she is going to do to help herself remember next time.

You can deliver a water bottle, or you can deliver a lesson that will make your kid healthier, happier and better, but you can’t deliver both.

The choice is yours.

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