Dear Anna,

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now. We’re both in our mid-20s. His family is honestly the most toxic group of people I’ve ever encountered, and it's taking a huge toll on me. They’ve caused nothing but chaos and drama, moving in and out of our place, causing fights, skipping bills and even trashing our house. My boyfriend is a good person who just wants to help his family, but it feels like he’s trapped in this cycle of dysfunction that I can't handle.

I’m hanging by a thread, emotionally and mentally. To him, this level of toxicity is normal since he grew up in it, but I don’t think I can stay in this relationship if it means always being caught in the middle of their drama. Is it selfish to consider leaving him because of his family? — On Vetting Every Relationship’s Icky Toxicity

Dear OVERIT,

First off, you can break up with someone at any time and for any reason — or even for no reason at all.

Second, it’s not selfish to want peace and stability in your life, and if that feels impossible in this relationship, it’s completely reasonable to want to walk away. Sometimes, no matter how much we care about someone, the environment they’re tied to can drain us to the point that staying just isn’t an option.

In this case, while it may feel like “his family” is the problem, the deeper issue is how your boyfriend is handling — or not handling — their impact on your relationship. By continually letting his family move in and out, avoid their responsibilities, and even trash your shared home, he’s allowing their behavior to intrude into your life. That he’s normalized this level of dysfunction says a lot about how he views boundaries with his family, and it might even hint that he doesn’t understand or prioritize your need for a drama-free home.

I feel for you. And him. Families are hard, even in the best of circumstances, and dysfunctional families can feel like a maze with no exit. It’s profoundly difficult to walk away from the people who shaped us, even when they left wounds instead of warmth.

I’m not sure how much or little you’ve talked about boundaries in regard to his family, but if you still feel connected to him enough to want to try to work things out — with big changes — then that’s certainly an option. This could look like explicitly agreeing that no family member moves in, no matter the circumstances. You might also ask him to seek counseling to understand why he’s continually allowing his family to overstep and disrupt his and your life. If he’s open to it, therapy could help him see that while he can love and support his family, he doesn’t have to sacrifice his own stability — or yours — in the process.

That said, even if he promises to cut back on involvement, family dynamics often run deep, and you may find yourself continuing to face these challenges. It’s worth asking yourself if you can envision a future where this situation is manageable, and what that might look like. The answer very well might be that you can’t.

If you’re genuinely “over it,” as you said, that’s valid too. You’ve already reached a breaking point, and if you’ve repeatedly seen him choose his family’s chaos over a harmonious life with you, then you have every right to choose a different path. Remember, relationships are supposed to enhance our lives, not leave us emotionally drained. It sounds like you’ve done everything you could to be understanding, but you shouldn’t have to compromise your own mental health or happiness indefinitely.

As the saying goes, “You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” It’s OK to prioritize your own well-being, and if that means moving on, then leaving may be the best way to reclaim your peace.

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