ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I'm a 57-year-old woman, and I've been in an off-and-on relationship for nearly 11 years with a man who is 30. Yes, there's a big age gap, but in the beginning, it felt like we truly connected. We got married, and for a while, I thought we had something special.

But over the years, he's developed a pattern: he leaves -- sometimes for months, sometimes for years -- and then comes back. Each time, I take him in, hoping this time will be different. And each time, I end up heartbroken all over again.

Right now, he's gone again, and I find myself back in that familiar place of sadness and confusion. I can barely get out of bed some days. I know I deserve better. I know this relationship is draining me. I feel like I'm getting older and more tired each time this cycle repeats. My heart wants to hold on, but my mind is telling me I need to stop letting him walk in and out of my life like this.

How do I find the strength to finally say, "No more"? How do I break this pattern and stop confusing love with pain? --Tired of the Revolving Door

Dear Revolving Door: You already know the answer; you just need the courage to follow through.

This man doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. He doesn't commit. He doesn't stay. He disappears and reappears when it suits him, and each time you take him back, you teach him that he can do it again. That's not a marriage; it's an emotional yo-yo, and it's wrecking your peace.

You say you're getting older and more tired each time. That's your inner voice begging you to stop the cycle. Listen to it.

You don't fight depression by waiting for someone who hurts you to come back. You fight it by standing up for yourself, seeking help and building a life that doesn't depend on someone else's whims. That may mean therapy, leaning on friends, finding new routines or rediscovering passions you've set aside.

But the first and most important step is to close that revolving door -- for good. Lock it. You deserve stability, kindness and respect. And those things don't come from someone who disappears every few years.

It's time to start showing up for yourself. You are worth it.

========

"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.