ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I find myself questioning everything. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I have known this since I was 13, living on the streets and trying to figure out life.

As an adult, my goal has been to not push my childhood trauma onto my relationships. I have been married to my amazing husband for almost 20 years. Together we share three children.

My question starts with this. Two years ago, during a family outing, my husband's only sister told me the only reason she and I have a relationship is because I invite her to things. During this same trip, she told me my stillborn babies "do not count," but her stillborn and miscarried babies do.

As I spoke with my husband about this, he suggested I look at the last six months of our communication, of which more than 90% was initiated by me. All holiday gatherings were planned by me or I started asking what the plans were, which prompted someone else to plan them. My prompts were always within two weeks of the holiday.

Because of this sudden revelation, I decided I would reduce communication. I limited myself to communicating once a month with each of his family members. Now the family doesn't get together anymore. They rarely chat, and when they do get together, there is massive tension or only half the family is invited because someone forgot about the other half.

I have major guilt because I feel like this is my fault. My logical side tells me this is the way their family would have been anyway had I not been involved with my husband at all. My questions are these: Are the now poor family connections my in-laws exhibit my fault since I was always in charge the last 20 years? Did my trauma from the past and the very healthy choice to cut contact with my family cause this?

Outside of recognizing that I tend to overanalyze due to my past and plan everything (I'm used to needing to know where I will be eating and sleeping for the night) or that I am frustrated at the lack of support for my stillborn children and my husband's family's poor efforts to have a relationship, did I do something wrong here? How can I fix this?

My husband doesn't want to associate with his family because of toxic behavior he doesn't want to be around, like constant gossiping and using harsh words, his father's poor treatment toward his mother, etc. I guess really my question is, what are my obligations here? -- Reluctant Family Coordinator

Dear Reluctant: You've done absolutely nothing wrong and are not to blame for the poor family dynamics at play here. It's exhausting being the glue that holds everything together; in this case, making sure your husband's family actually treats one another like family. In a healthy family structure, they would want to have strong relationships, with each other and with you. On top of that, your sister-in-law's dismissive comments about your past pregnancies are extremely hurtful. These people have been fortunate to have someone like you to bring them together, but it's not your job to continue to do so.

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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.