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Dear Eric: Recently, it was “assumed” by my husband’s family that we would host a gathering for some out-of-town relatives. We have a better house for entertaining. Everyone brought a side dish, or dessert. I usually have at least one gathering a year for his family. I’m happy to do it. We have a nice dining room, but our table was not going to work for the number of people attending. I set up a smaller table in the living room, adjacent to our dining room. As people were lining up to fill their plates I heard some commotion, walked into the dining room, and saw my two sisters-in-law carrying the extra chairs and place settings to the dining room table. They decided it would be better if we all sat together. We were like sardines. Wine was spilled on my grandmother’s tablecloth.

After dinner I suggested we all go into the family room to chat, that we would have dessert a little later. I was arranging extra chairs in the family room when I looked up and saw my sisters-in-law bringing all the desserts to the kitchen table. I was told we were going to eat dessert immediately. Everyone was trying to balance their dessert plates on their laps, when my 8-year-old niece dropped an entire piece of chocolate cake on the rug.

As we were cleaning up my husband mentioned that he thought his sisters were out of line. They have always been a little “pushy,” but I have either made light of it or ignored it. For some reason this has really bothered me. Am I wrong to be angry?

– Unhappy Host

Dear Host: Wine on the heirloom and cake on the rug? I’d be miffed, too. It can be great when guests make themselves at home, but not everyone runs their home the same way.

Let’s say they saw themselves as being helpful, a “many hands make light work” situation. The work is only light if the many hands are all working together. It sounds like your sisters-in-law need some gentle but strong direction – “No, dessert won’t work in the family room. Let’s stick to my plan.”

Hosting can be a complicated and tiring undertaking, even when it’s gladly done. You and your husband should discuss how you want to handle future “assumptions.” You may find that your house isn’t always available. Or, if you do host again, perhaps he can be the sister-manager, thereby freeing you up to enjoy your hard work.

Dear Eric: This is in reference to the grandmother who was given a strict list of acceptable presents for her grandchild but wanted to buy other things. (“Joyless Grandparent”).

How about contributing to her grandchild's college fund?

Whenever there's a gift she would have liked to purchase, put some of what it would have cost to facilitate the grandchild's future dreams. She can even call it the Grammy Fund if she wants attribution.

Or the gift of time: It can be as simple as a trip to the playground, singing songs while pushing the swings, or an adventure to the zoo or local museums (dinosaurs! airplanes!) or teaching skills (music, knitting, repairing a treasured stuffie, cooking together or whatever). Win-win for everyone: breathing time for the busy parents, shared experiences for the grandchild and grandmother, and happy memories for all.

I'm trying to pass on those joyful memories with my own grandchild. Who needs more stuff?

– Happy Grammy

Dear Grammy: I love these suggestions. Gift-giving is an act of love and love can come in many forms. Some readers wrote in suggesting that the grandmother buy whatever she wants and let the chips fall where they may. That’s also an option. But I think a little creativity can produce greater memories and keep everyone happy.

Dear Eric: I appreciated your response to the 47-year-old woman battling a terminal illness who was feeling very lonely (“Need Company”). One additional suggestion is for her to join a faith community, where she may find comfort, guidance and fellowship. We attend our services at our temple nearly every week and find all that within our temple community. We mention people at the end of our service who may be facing a health issue every week through a misheberach prayer (prayer for the sick). If nothing else, it reminds us of the people we care about who could use support or comfort. The LW may benefit from that also and she may even make a new friend or two.

– Finding Solace

Dear Solace: Faith communities and nonsectarian community groups can be wonderful resources for support, encouragement and companionship. They’re not for everyone, of course, but if the letter writer feels called to a particular faith or tradition, this is a great option.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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