ArcaMax

I wouldn't say I'm a slave to fashion, but I do like to follow some of the trends each season. I usually get just a few pieces that ultimately look more age-appropriate on my daughter than me, but I get them anyway and I'm happy even if I do look like an idiot. So imagine my dismay when I found out that two of the big looks this year were ... wait for it ...

Mom jeans with dad sneakers.

Apparently, I was already cool without even trying.

But while mom jeans and dad sneakers do somehow look cute on tiny, 19-year-old Instagram models, on a 50-something-year-old mom they look like... mom jeans with dad sneakers.

For the past 10 years, I've had to shoehorn my mom body into skinny jeans with low waists that only someone who was never a mother could love. That being the case, you'd think I'd be overjoyed that mom jeans were making a comeback. But the problem with mom jeans, on a mom, is that they make your butt look so big you can find it on Google Maps. Pairing these with the same sneakers that dads wear with white tube socks and khaki shorts while they grill burgers and say things like, "Do you do that Facegram thing?" really does nothing to help the overall look.

Mom jeans were originally invented to help conceal the fact that childbirth had left everything "down there" significantly larger and saggier than it had been before; not that there's anything wrong with that, and we should all be proud of the fact that everything "down there" played a big role in helping our bodies create life. But that doesn't mean I want to parade it around in a pair of tight skinny jeans. Sadly, the mom jeans concept backfired, and between the high waist, roomy seat and tight ankles, they created the impression that the thing that had gotten larger was even larger than it actually was. Think bowling pin with boobs.

Since my figure has not changed dramatically since I had kids, I didn't think it was likely that the mom jeans would be any more flattering on me than they had been 20 years ago.

Sadly, there is nothing in between skinny jeans and mom jeans, which they have thinly disguised until recently by calling them high-waisted jeans. So when the fashion industry doubled down on the mom jeans, I figured I had nothing to lose by giving the new version a try.

I took myself off to the department store, grabbed a bunch of mom jeans and headed to the dressing room.

"These will definitely give you a leaner, longer look," exclaimed the salesgirl, who happened to already be long and lean.

"Why, do they come with liposuction?" I wondered aloud.

"I don't get it," she said.

"Wait a few years," I assured her.

Back in the dressing room, I tried on one pair after another, each costing more than a plane ticket to Tahiti. With each one, I was confident that nothing had changed since the '90s, except the cost, and they were just as unflattering as I remembered.

They were, in fact, so ugly that the only things I could think of that were more unattractive on a mom body than mom jeans were harem pants.

... Which are also a fashion trend this year.

========

Tracy Beckerman is the author of the Amazon Bestseller, "Barking at the Moon: A Story of Life, Love, and Kibble," available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online! You can visit her at www.tracybeckerman.com.

----

Copyright 2024 Creators Syndicate Inc.