According to an old saying, which can probably be attributed to my neighbors, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

But now that my neighbors have installed a new fence, and a landscaper has worked turf magic on my once-barren property, I can happily say that the grass is green on my side, too.

For the past several years,...Read more

I was born during a blizzard, I am all wet even during droughts and, perhaps a contributing factor to global warming, I am full of hot air.

This alone would qualify me to be a television weather expert.

But I have made it official by buying a rain gauge and an outdoor thermometer and hygrometer. I also have the world’s most impressive ...Read more

If there is one thing that will make your heart pound faster than finding out you need cardiac surgery, it’s finding out, mere hours before the operation, that you don’t.

Thus did my supposedly faulty ticker skip several beats when my cardiovascular surgeon called me the day before surgery was scheduled and said, “I have good news and bad...Read more

When you’re scheduled to have heart surgery, nothing tests your heart more than pre-surgical testing.

I have had more tests than I ever had in school. Fortunately, I have passed them all, which is more than I can say for the tests I took during my ignominious academic career, when I regularly made the dishonor roll.

My worst subject was math...Read more

If you need open-heart surgery, as I do, the best person to perform it is a plumber.

Who also happens to be a cardiovascular and thoracic surgeon.

In my case, that would be Dr. John Goncalves, whose impressive credentials qualify him to operate at Home Depot.

“I’m a plumber,” the good doctor told me in a meeting to discuss my upcoming ...Read more

As much as I appreciate receiving a daily barrage of email pitches for fat removers, teeth aligners, night vision binoculars and other amazing products I can’t possibly live without, I subscribe to the theory that I can’t unsubscribe from stuff to which I never subscribed.

That’s the quandary I can’t seem to get out of even with a 20-...Read more

Ever since my wife, Sue, has been out of commission with an injured hand, which required surgery and has prevented her from performing important tasks like keeping me alive, I have had a whole laundry list of things to do.

At the top is — how did you ever guess? — laundry.

For the past 46 years, I have been a basket case when it comes to ...Read more

If it weren’t for my wife, I would have starved to death long ago. If it weren’t for me, we both would have starved — or we would have had to eat out every night for a while — because Sue recently had surgery on her right hand and couldn’t cook.

That left me to be her right-hand man and make dinner without having to call either the ...Read more

An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but it won’t keep me away from the doctor.

That’s because I have reached an age — the big 7-Oh — where medical appointments have become a major part of my life.

I have been making so many trips to see one doctor or another that I should win an award from the American Medical Association and get ...Read more

How many newspaper columnists does it take to change a light bulb? If the columnist is yours truly, the answer is zero.

That’s why, after proving to be too dim to perform this simple task, I gave up and called Kevin the Electrician.

Kevin had been over recently to help install our new central air-conditioning system.

“It’s 130 degrees ...Read more

My 7-year-old grandson wants to be a paleontologist when he grows up. I, his 70-year-old grandfather, have given him a head start because, let’s face it, I’m a fossil.

And I know a lot about prehistoric life. That’s why I should be a tour guide at my grandson’s favorite place, the Museum of Natural History, which he likes to call the ...Read more

A great many people have told me where to go, but I’m not inclined to listen because it’s hot enough here.

Still, the question of where my wife, Sue, and I would go if we sold our house keeps coming up because a great many people have said they want to buy it.

Over the past few weeks, we have received postcards, texts, emails and phone ...Read more

I don’t want to give lip service to elections, one of which is coming up in the fall, but I recently won a contest by a vote so overwhelming that it amounted to much more than a whisker.

That’s why, thanks to the support of my grandchildren, who are not too young to have cast ballots, I am keeping my mustache.

The issue came up when my ...Read more